Post by jordan on May 4, 2010 14:18:45 GMT -5
This is the final edition of our Hero Roast. To have a look at the creative process that caused this multimedia extravaganza, head over to the "Allstar Roast" thread. Hope you enjoy!
Voiceover: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! It’s the Third Annual Heroes Roast!
Featuring Tonight's Roasters … The Villians!
With special British Correspondent Tucker
And a very special appearance by Joan Rivers.
And now … your Roast Host … with the most … LISA LAMPINELLI!
Lisa: Well HELLO everyone. It’s wonderful to see all of your ugly faces again. I would give a wink to Sandy over there, but he’s gay and I only bang black dudes. I’ve had more black dick in me than the urinal at the Apollo. Is CAPSMATT in the house?
Audience laughter.
But enough about me. That’s not what we’re here for. Tonight we’re here to roast the shit out of a group of people that no one really likes, but everyone pretends to like because everyone’s either afraid of them or wants to lull them into a false sense of security while secretly plotting their demise.
This group of Heroes may look pristine and clean on the surface, but hopefully we’re going to expose a couple of things you may not know about them tonight. Let’s get the party started with JORDAN, who will say a few words about our dear friend TOM.
Audience applauds.
Jordan: Thank you, Lisa. I love you but I wouldn't do you. Wouldn't know which flap to stick it in.
Lisa laughs but is internally crushed.
So it’s no secret that Tom has a thing for older women.
I mean, we all like to hang with Cougars from time to time, but this is ridiculous. Tom’s love for Donna is bordering on stalker-esque. I heard he hid out in the bushes outside of her spacious clapboard trailer estate and took pictures of Donna playing cribbage. After failing to sell them to Playboy Magazine (no one else is into that shit, Tom), I’m sure he went home and enjoyed the pictures in the privacy of his own home. I think a picture of Donna playing Scrabble might kill him.
Joan Rivers is in the house tonight.
Applause. Shot of Joan Rivers looking embarassed
Tom tried to fuck her, but couldn’t get it up because he thought she looked too young.
Joan Rivers nods in agreement
I’d now like to take a moment to discuss Tom’s literary achievements. Some of you may know that Tom is writing a book. He’s pretty tight-lipped about the whole project, but I managed to steal a copy!
Allow me to read an excerpt. Ahem…
…where do you come up with this stuff, Tom?
Destined to be a best-seller.
Audience applauds.
Lisa: Thanks, Jordan. And Tom .. speaking for older women everywhere … no thanks.
Laughter.
Lisa: Next we have a very special guest, who couldn’t be here with us in person tonight because he’s off on assignment in London right now, looking for the elusive person who calls herself MEGAN. Let’s take look at what TUCKER’s been able to find so far…
Lisa: Hard hitting stuff there Tucker, thanks for that. Megan may be a fake person, but we know one thing: she is DEFINITELY not a real person.
Laughter and general agreement. Someone from the audience yells out “BABY KILLER!!!” and gets thrown out of the venue.
Lisa: Wow. I’m being informed that one of our honorary roastees is actually HERE tonight! We all figured they were going to be too terrified and embarrassed to show up. ERIN, the Heroes own Southern Belle, is here tonight. STEPHEN, come on up and let’s see what she has to say!
Applause and confusion.
Stephen: Welcome, everyone to the Kidz Corner... the segment of the show where we talk with kids to hear what they think is happening in this bizarre world! Today's guest is iSurv1vor's very own... ERIN ENGLE! Bring her in!
Erin stumbles onstage with a wine bottle and glass in her hands.
Erin: Woooooooo hoooooooooooo! Wooooooooooooooooooo! Woooooooooo!
Stephen: Alright, Erin, right over thi... EASY THERE, here we go, come on right over here... there, that's it! Keep going... go... go... OK stop! Take a seat.
Stephen helps beligerently drunk Erin onto her stool
Erin: WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!
Erin claps and cheers, and suddenly falls backwards off her stool. The audience gasps.. Silence for a couple seconds. Erin pops back up in an instant.
Erin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAAAHHHH WOOOOOOOOOO!
Stephen: Alright, let's calm down, everyone. Before we begin, I do want to thank Erin for making time to come on the show toda...
Erin stands up and runs across the stage
Erin: KITTY KITTY KITTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Stephen: Yes, Erin, that is a kitty! Now, what's the big fuss about?
Erin: I LOVE CATS! I HAVE LIKE 500 AT MY HOUSE!
Stephen: That's (under breath) PATHETIC ... so wonderful! Now, let's go back to the stool please, here we go, yes, hold my hand, that's it, goooooood. Ok, so again, thank you, Erin, for coming in to take some questions today.
Erin: Who?
Stephen: ... Um, what?
Erin: Huh?
Stephen: Never mind! Before we lose focus AGAIN, let's get to our first question! Erin, how does it feel to be the oldest person ever to appear on the Kidz Corner?
Erin: Claps and smacks Stephen repeatedly on the shoulder WOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Stephen You can stop hitting me >_< !!!
Erin: IT FEELS GREAT.
Stephen: I must say, you sure do appear much older than 8. Are you sure you gave the producer accurate information?
Erin: I'm 25! When I talked to him, I was eatin myself some Raisin' Canes for supper!
Producer (from backstage): IT WAS THE VOICE!
Stephen: (mumbles) Well she does sound like she's fuckin 6 years old... ANYWAYS, Erin, so what inspired you to make this appearance on the Kidz Corner?
Erin: Huh?
Stephen: Well, surely, you must have some ... interest in children for wanting to be with us today...
Erin: OH, WELL, I WORK AT A PRESCHOOL.
Stephen: Very neat! So, what is your stance on discipling children? Obviously we know physical contact us not acceptab...
Erin: I hit em.
Stephen: You... you... you what?
Erin: Well, they're lucky I don't pull out my dad's rifle he uses for huntin' our fatass geese. Their bellies drag to the ground! Sometimes my mom asks if they can fly. They'd never be able to get off the ground. Breaks into a hysterical laughing attack
Stephen: Let's back up... did you say you HIT your preschoolers?
Erin: A good smackin on the ass aint gonna hurt em!
Stephen: Teachers... don't try that at home. Alright! Moving along, oh, it looks like we're almost out of time! Time flies when you're hav...
As Erin shoves a mouthfull of cookies into her mouth and grabs a capri sun to drink
Erin: Ya know... (some food falls out), you coulda gotten these juices cheaper...
Stephen: Oh, is that right? I believe they were donated to the show anywa...
Erin: Well in Spring Hill, they have a Piggly Wiggly and...
Stephen: A what?
Erin: Suddenly turns evil You don't know what a Piggly Wiggly is?!
Stephen: Um, no, I'm sorry Erin, I really don't. I...
Erin: It's a little store in a small town, and their mascot is this fatass pig! Chugs wine
Stephen: Grabs bottle Ok, that's enough, Erin. Thanks again for your time! Is there any final comment you'd like to add?
Erin: IF YOU MUST HAVE SEX, USE TEPRECTION!
Stephen walks her offstage in disgust. Audience has no idea what's going on.
Lisa: Wow. I haven’t seen anyone that drunk and violent since my ex-husband left me!
Audience does not react. A few nervous claps.
Lisa: I’m just kidding, black people are never violent!
Audience laughs and applauds. Shot of Mr. T. looking furious.
Lisa: Well let’s calm things down a little bit now. This is getting out of hand. Wait .. wait puts finger to ear we have a SPECIAL REPORT coming in from our British Correspondent TUCKER. Tucker, what is it!?
Tucker (over the phone): Lisa, I’ve just been informed that prominent iSurv1vor contestant Jeffrey Herro Mi Fuk U Rong Tyme was found dead in his luxurious apartment in Pok Mi Dong Province at the age of 18 surrounded by Fifty Asian Ladyboys who fled the scene with 7 million yen.
Early reports claim that he entered a local bath-house with a few close friends that had inflatable sheep and a small child in tow carrying a liquor bottle in a brown paper bag. Many people attending at the same time claimed that he was heavily intoxicated shouting "bring on the slanty eyed bitches!" and sometime later, was seen punching Lucy Liu for her performance in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
Staff members were accustomed to the Americans sense of humor which was heavily brushed off, but Police have not ruled out that a member of staff was responsible.
A source close to Jeffrey stated that "he ruv vewwy gentwee lyk a man should" The death is being treated as suspicious … and hilarious. Asian sensation Se7en has gone on record to say he is "relieved" that he no longer receives stained underwear from him.
We’ll keep you updated as this story develops. Lisa?
Audience laughs and applauds.
Lisa: Wow, didn’t know that was going to happen. Fits in with the night though, huh?
Lisa:Now we have a very special guest joining us. They’re calling him the next Oprah. Only problem is he’s running a talk show out of his living room and apparently forgot to buy lights. And guests. And dignity. Here’s HOOKER, spending a little time with ERIC. I mean, ERIK.
Lisa: Well that was just disturbing, wasn’t it? Fucking sheep, questionable lisps, falsetto … sounds like my fourth marriage.
Audience laughs kind of. Congressman Joe Wilson yells out “You lie!!!”
Lisa: Yeesh. Tough crowd. Next we have … wait a minute … goddammit really? Tucker, our British Correspondent has ANOTHER update on questionable activity by ANOTHER hero. I can’t believe this. Tucker? Can you hear me?
Tucker: Yes Lisa … I’ve just been informed that former iSurv1vor Hawaii and current Heroes vs Villains contestant Ashley Young was seen dancing from Tribal Council when fellow Canadian Allan Fogg was eliminated from the competition going on record that she is relieved now that she will finally get some camera time and exposure to the kindness of the series.
The 2nd runner up of Hawaii has been regarded by many as Allan's right hand bitch since pre-game when she appeared in videos with him running around in their local woodland area thinking they were actually on the CBS Television show. But behind the scenes she was secretly doing nothing whatsoever to try and get her closest friend out of the game.
Alumni questioned her participation on the show, with one stating that she "isn't even nice to look at" whilst others called her "a dirty hooker with that shade of lipstick" - but what will Ashley do now to try and keep herself in the competition? Many have gone on record that she will have to show some skin to survive, but her current team are all either in broken relationships, fisting one another with a hidden idol or missing their significant other whilst out in the bush.
Lisa? Back to you.
Lisa: Jesus Christ, that is one desperate bitch.
Audience begins to talk to each other, probably discussing how messed up the Heroes tribe is.
Lisa: Speaking of minorities, the next Roast-ee for tonight is the beautiful MORGAN. And JUICE will be doing the honors. As we all know, Juice is a famous radio host, and has recorded a special edition of his show for us tonight. Let’s check it out.
Click here: www.blogtalkradio.com/juicyqueef/2010/05/04/isurv1vor-primetime-1
Lisa: I should clarify, we’re not sure if Morgan’s actually Mexican. But for some reason she actual CHOOSES to live in Mexico. Morgan chose to live in Mexico even though her next door neighbor is a crack den run by a guy named El Guapo. She never played hide and seek growing up because no one bothers to look for Mexicans when they go missing. Her neighbor Juan got MY television for Navidad last year. There aren’t any Mexicans in Hell because they jumped the border. The only difference between a Mexican and an elevator is that an elevator can raise children…
Riots in the streets, drug cartels start shooting each other, a Mariachi band begins playing the Mexican Hat Dance in the lobby
Lisa: Okay, you know what? I’ve had it. We’ve had some laughs tonight, but this is getting ridiculous. I think we should quit while we’re on top. What do you say?
Audience gives the biggest cheer of the night, probably because they're scared for their lives due to the Mexican drug riots that have broken out.
Brendan Fraser explodes.
Lisa: Thanks to everyone who participated this evening. I’ll never forget you. This is your host, Lisa Lampinelli, saying Good Night … and, um, Happy Cinco de Mayo?
Voiceover: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! It’s the Third Annual Heroes Roast!
Featuring Tonight's Roasters … The Villians!
With special British Correspondent Tucker
And a very special appearance by Joan Rivers.
And now … your Roast Host … with the most … LISA LAMPINELLI!
Lisa: Well HELLO everyone. It’s wonderful to see all of your ugly faces again. I would give a wink to Sandy over there, but he’s gay and I only bang black dudes. I’ve had more black dick in me than the urinal at the Apollo. Is CAPSMATT in the house?
Audience laughter.
But enough about me. That’s not what we’re here for. Tonight we’re here to roast the shit out of a group of people that no one really likes, but everyone pretends to like because everyone’s either afraid of them or wants to lull them into a false sense of security while secretly plotting their demise.
This group of Heroes may look pristine and clean on the surface, but hopefully we’re going to expose a couple of things you may not know about them tonight. Let’s get the party started with JORDAN, who will say a few words about our dear friend TOM.
Audience applauds.
Jordan: Thank you, Lisa. I love you but I wouldn't do you. Wouldn't know which flap to stick it in.
Lisa laughs but is internally crushed.
So it’s no secret that Tom has a thing for older women.
I mean, we all like to hang with Cougars from time to time, but this is ridiculous. Tom’s love for Donna is bordering on stalker-esque. I heard he hid out in the bushes outside of her spacious clapboard trailer estate and took pictures of Donna playing cribbage. After failing to sell them to Playboy Magazine (no one else is into that shit, Tom), I’m sure he went home and enjoyed the pictures in the privacy of his own home. I think a picture of Donna playing Scrabble might kill him.
Joan Rivers is in the house tonight.
Applause. Shot of Joan Rivers looking embarassed
Tom tried to fuck her, but couldn’t get it up because he thought she looked too young.
Joan Rivers nods in agreement
I’d now like to take a moment to discuss Tom’s literary achievements. Some of you may know that Tom is writing a book. He’s pretty tight-lipped about the whole project, but I managed to steal a copy!
Allow me to read an excerpt. Ahem…
“Dom, the young stud signed onto Skype and saw the mature woman in his dream, sitting on her webcam, completely nude. Dom had thought she was a beautiful vision, but her username … Honnah123 … told him differently. He felt himself as he imagined her crocheting a scarf with his name on it.”
…where do you come up with this stuff, Tom?
Destined to be a best-seller.
Audience applauds.
Lisa: Thanks, Jordan. And Tom .. speaking for older women everywhere … no thanks.
Laughter.
Lisa: Next we have a very special guest, who couldn’t be here with us in person tonight because he’s off on assignment in London right now, looking for the elusive person who calls herself MEGAN. Let’s take look at what TUCKER’s been able to find so far…
Lisa: Hard hitting stuff there Tucker, thanks for that. Megan may be a fake person, but we know one thing: she is DEFINITELY not a real person.
Laughter and general agreement. Someone from the audience yells out “BABY KILLER!!!” and gets thrown out of the venue.
Lisa: Wow. I’m being informed that one of our honorary roastees is actually HERE tonight! We all figured they were going to be too terrified and embarrassed to show up. ERIN, the Heroes own Southern Belle, is here tonight. STEPHEN, come on up and let’s see what she has to say!
Applause and confusion.
Stephen: Welcome, everyone to the Kidz Corner... the segment of the show where we talk with kids to hear what they think is happening in this bizarre world! Today's guest is iSurv1vor's very own... ERIN ENGLE! Bring her in!
Erin stumbles onstage with a wine bottle and glass in her hands.
Erin: Woooooooo hoooooooooooo! Wooooooooooooooooooo! Woooooooooo!
Stephen: Alright, Erin, right over thi... EASY THERE, here we go, come on right over here... there, that's it! Keep going... go... go... OK stop! Take a seat.
Stephen helps beligerently drunk Erin onto her stool
Erin: WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!
Erin claps and cheers, and suddenly falls backwards off her stool. The audience gasps.. Silence for a couple seconds. Erin pops back up in an instant.
Erin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAAAHHHH WOOOOOOOOOO!
Stephen: Alright, let's calm down, everyone. Before we begin, I do want to thank Erin for making time to come on the show toda...
Erin stands up and runs across the stage
Erin: KITTY KITTY KITTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Stephen: Yes, Erin, that is a kitty! Now, what's the big fuss about?
Erin: I LOVE CATS! I HAVE LIKE 500 AT MY HOUSE!
Stephen: That's (under breath) PATHETIC ... so wonderful! Now, let's go back to the stool please, here we go, yes, hold my hand, that's it, goooooood. Ok, so again, thank you, Erin, for coming in to take some questions today.
Erin: Who?
Stephen: ... Um, what?
Erin: Huh?
Stephen: Never mind! Before we lose focus AGAIN, let's get to our first question! Erin, how does it feel to be the oldest person ever to appear on the Kidz Corner?
Erin: Claps and smacks Stephen repeatedly on the shoulder WOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Stephen You can stop hitting me >_< !!!
Erin: IT FEELS GREAT.
Stephen: I must say, you sure do appear much older than 8. Are you sure you gave the producer accurate information?
Erin: I'm 25! When I talked to him, I was eatin myself some Raisin' Canes for supper!
Producer (from backstage): IT WAS THE VOICE!
Stephen: (mumbles) Well she does sound like she's fuckin 6 years old... ANYWAYS, Erin, so what inspired you to make this appearance on the Kidz Corner?
Erin: Huh?
Stephen: Well, surely, you must have some ... interest in children for wanting to be with us today...
Erin: OH, WELL, I WORK AT A PRESCHOOL.
Stephen: Very neat! So, what is your stance on discipling children? Obviously we know physical contact us not acceptab...
Erin: I hit em.
Stephen: You... you... you what?
Erin: Well, they're lucky I don't pull out my dad's rifle he uses for huntin' our fatass geese. Their bellies drag to the ground! Sometimes my mom asks if they can fly. They'd never be able to get off the ground. Breaks into a hysterical laughing attack
Stephen: Let's back up... did you say you HIT your preschoolers?
Erin: A good smackin on the ass aint gonna hurt em!
Stephen: Teachers... don't try that at home. Alright! Moving along, oh, it looks like we're almost out of time! Time flies when you're hav...
As Erin shoves a mouthfull of cookies into her mouth and grabs a capri sun to drink
Erin: Ya know... (some food falls out), you coulda gotten these juices cheaper...
Stephen: Oh, is that right? I believe they were donated to the show anywa...
Erin: Well in Spring Hill, they have a Piggly Wiggly and...
Stephen: A what?
Erin: Suddenly turns evil You don't know what a Piggly Wiggly is?!
Stephen: Um, no, I'm sorry Erin, I really don't. I...
Erin: It's a little store in a small town, and their mascot is this fatass pig! Chugs wine
Stephen: Grabs bottle Ok, that's enough, Erin. Thanks again for your time! Is there any final comment you'd like to add?
Erin: IF YOU MUST HAVE SEX, USE TEPRECTION!
Stephen walks her offstage in disgust. Audience has no idea what's going on.
Lisa: Wow. I haven’t seen anyone that drunk and violent since my ex-husband left me!
Audience does not react. A few nervous claps.
Lisa: I’m just kidding, black people are never violent!
Audience laughs and applauds. Shot of Mr. T. looking furious.
Lisa: Well let’s calm things down a little bit now. This is getting out of hand. Wait .. wait puts finger to ear we have a SPECIAL REPORT coming in from our British Correspondent TUCKER. Tucker, what is it!?
Tucker (over the phone): Lisa, I’ve just been informed that prominent iSurv1vor contestant Jeffrey Herro Mi Fuk U Rong Tyme was found dead in his luxurious apartment in Pok Mi Dong Province at the age of 18 surrounded by Fifty Asian Ladyboys who fled the scene with 7 million yen.
Early reports claim that he entered a local bath-house with a few close friends that had inflatable sheep and a small child in tow carrying a liquor bottle in a brown paper bag. Many people attending at the same time claimed that he was heavily intoxicated shouting "bring on the slanty eyed bitches!" and sometime later, was seen punching Lucy Liu for her performance in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
Staff members were accustomed to the Americans sense of humor which was heavily brushed off, but Police have not ruled out that a member of staff was responsible.
A source close to Jeffrey stated that "he ruv vewwy gentwee lyk a man should" The death is being treated as suspicious … and hilarious. Asian sensation Se7en has gone on record to say he is "relieved" that he no longer receives stained underwear from him.
We’ll keep you updated as this story develops. Lisa?
Audience laughs and applauds.
Lisa: Wow, didn’t know that was going to happen. Fits in with the night though, huh?
Lisa:Now we have a very special guest joining us. They’re calling him the next Oprah. Only problem is he’s running a talk show out of his living room and apparently forgot to buy lights. And guests. And dignity. Here’s HOOKER, spending a little time with ERIC. I mean, ERIK.
Lisa: Well that was just disturbing, wasn’t it? Fucking sheep, questionable lisps, falsetto … sounds like my fourth marriage.
Audience laughs kind of. Congressman Joe Wilson yells out “You lie!!!”
Lisa: Yeesh. Tough crowd. Next we have … wait a minute … goddammit really? Tucker, our British Correspondent has ANOTHER update on questionable activity by ANOTHER hero. I can’t believe this. Tucker? Can you hear me?
Tucker: Yes Lisa … I’ve just been informed that former iSurv1vor Hawaii and current Heroes vs Villains contestant Ashley Young was seen dancing from Tribal Council when fellow Canadian Allan Fogg was eliminated from the competition going on record that she is relieved now that she will finally get some camera time and exposure to the kindness of the series.
The 2nd runner up of Hawaii has been regarded by many as Allan's right hand bitch since pre-game when she appeared in videos with him running around in their local woodland area thinking they were actually on the CBS Television show. But behind the scenes she was secretly doing nothing whatsoever to try and get her closest friend out of the game.
Alumni questioned her participation on the show, with one stating that she "isn't even nice to look at" whilst others called her "a dirty hooker with that shade of lipstick" - but what will Ashley do now to try and keep herself in the competition? Many have gone on record that she will have to show some skin to survive, but her current team are all either in broken relationships, fisting one another with a hidden idol or missing their significant other whilst out in the bush.
Lisa? Back to you.
Lisa: Jesus Christ, that is one desperate bitch.
Audience begins to talk to each other, probably discussing how messed up the Heroes tribe is.
Lisa: Speaking of minorities, the next Roast-ee for tonight is the beautiful MORGAN. And JUICE will be doing the honors. As we all know, Juice is a famous radio host, and has recorded a special edition of his show for us tonight. Let’s check it out.
Click here: www.blogtalkradio.com/juicyqueef/2010/05/04/isurv1vor-primetime-1
Lisa: I should clarify, we’re not sure if Morgan’s actually Mexican. But for some reason she actual CHOOSES to live in Mexico. Morgan chose to live in Mexico even though her next door neighbor is a crack den run by a guy named El Guapo. She never played hide and seek growing up because no one bothers to look for Mexicans when they go missing. Her neighbor Juan got MY television for Navidad last year. There aren’t any Mexicans in Hell because they jumped the border. The only difference between a Mexican and an elevator is that an elevator can raise children…
Riots in the streets, drug cartels start shooting each other, a Mariachi band begins playing the Mexican Hat Dance in the lobby
Lisa: Okay, you know what? I’ve had it. We’ve had some laughs tonight, but this is getting ridiculous. I think we should quit while we’re on top. What do you say?
Audience gives the biggest cheer of the night, probably because they're scared for their lives due to the Mexican drug riots that have broken out.
Brendan Fraser explodes.
Lisa: Thanks to everyone who participated this evening. I’ll never forget you. This is your host, Lisa Lampinelli, saying Good Night … and, um, Happy Cinco de Mayo?
